43 Funny One Line Quotes That Will Make You the Life of Any Party

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Are you having trouble coming up with topics to discuss with people you just met? Don’t worry; you’re not alone! Since the struggle is real, I’ve come up with something that can help you at practically any social event.

One-liners are an excellent way to break the ice when you’re at a party. After all, everyone loves a person with a great sense of humor.

From hilarious jokes made by celebrities to random quips you can share with anyone, these funny one line quotes will leave anyone in stitches!

Random and Funny One Line Quotes

Funny One Line Quotes to Break the Ice

#1. “The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.” ― Unknown

#2. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” ― Earl Wilson

#3. “No sense in being pessimistic; it probably wouldn’t work anyway.” ― Unknown

#4. “My drug test came back negative, so it looks like my dealer has some explaining to do.” ― Unknown

#5. “An atheist is a person who has nobody to blame when he screws up.” ― Fakeer Ishavardas

#6. “If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.’” ― Eddie Izzard

#7. “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance — we’ll see about that.” ― Stewart Francis

#8. “I don’t have a girlfriend, but I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.” ― Unknown

Funny One Line Quotes by Celebrities

#9. “I like a woman with a head on her shoulders — I hate necks.” ― Steve Martin

#10. “I had to stop drinking ‘cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.” — Richard Pryor

#11. “The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” — Demetri Martin

#12. “In Seattle, they have a saying: ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.’” — Doug Benson

#13. “It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.” – Jack Handey

#14. “I just looked at the calendar and realized — my days are numbered.” ― Johnny Moscato

Hilariously Funny One Line Quotes Your Friends Will Love

#15. “I could be a morning person — but only if morning started at noon!” ― Carol Storm

#16. “The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.” — Unknown

#17. “It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.” — Unknown

#18. “I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless and said ‘It’s nice to see so many bums on seats.’” — Jimmy Carr

#19. “I’m on a whiskey diet…I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper

#20. “I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.” — Larry David

Funny One Line Quotes to Tell Your Co-Workers

#21. “Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.” — Demetri Martin

#22. “Your ‘out of office’ reply is responding to more emails than you ever do.” — Unknown

#23. “Have a seat; standing there watching everyone else work all day must be exhausting!” — Unknown

#24. “Pretending to look busy on a Friday is the hardest work you do all week.” — Unknown

#25. “I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory — all I did was take a day off!” — Unknown

#26. “A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer but also shortens the workday.” — Unknown

#27. “I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.” — Unknown

#28. “I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but it doesn’t matter — none of them work.” — Unknown

#29. “Most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent I am as an electrician.” — Unknown

#30. “The hardest job in the world is having to listen to you complain about having the hardest job in the world.” — Unknown

Funny One Line Quotes That Will Leave You in Stitches

#31. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” — Betty White

#32. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell

#33. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’” — Unknown

#34. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years — I didn’t want to interrupt her.” — Rodney Dangerfield

#35. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of by the police.” — Joan Rivers

#36. “Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of ‘Everybody Loves Raymond,’ but it doesn’t last 22 minutes — it lasts forever.” — Paul Rudd

#37. “Common sense is like deodorant — the people who need it most never use it.” — Unknown

#38. “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.” — Clairee Belcher

#39. “I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.” — Unknown

#40. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery?’” — Jay Leno

#41. “Never do anything out of hunger — not even eating.” — Frank Semyon

#42. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams

#43. “If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.” — Tina Fey

The Conclusion

It doesn’t matter what kind of mood you’re in; there’s nothing like a one-liner to brighten up your day!

Try out these funny one line quotes on your friends, co-workers, and even strangers you just met at a party. I guarantee they’ll earn you a chuckle or two!

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Naomi Kizhner

Naomi Kizhner

On NaomiKizhner.com, I want to share tips, tricks, and quotes that will hopefully inspire someone who might be struggling. Also, I wish to help others find their true passion in life and cut out any negativity.
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