30 John Mulaney Quotes: Take It From a Stand-Up Comedian

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My growing collection of sayings wouldn’t be complete without some of the most iconic John Mulaney quotes. He is one of my favorite comedians, and picking out the top 30 of the innumerable gems from his sketches was a massive task.

John Mulaney has been around for so long that he has become quite a household name in the last couple of years. And for a good reason, if I may add. He’s conquered the hearts of audiences on Saturday Night Live, his semi-autobiographical sitcom Mulaney, and even a Broadway show.

What I love about his sense of humor is that it cuts right down to the core, identifying and ridiculing all the absurdities of modern society. From the political state of affairs in America to the innermost insecurities that exist in every single one of us, John Mulaney can put a comical spin on anything and still teach us valuable lessons.

The List of the Most Thought-Provoking and Hilarious John Mulaney Quotes

John Mulaney Quotes That Are so Brutally True You Can’t Help Bursting Out Laughing

#1. “​The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.”

#2. “It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them — especially when you were supposed to do them. In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.”

#3. “You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term.”

#4. “I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.”

#5. “I am very small, and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.”

#6. “If you are a school student, your opinion does not matter. Your opinion doesn’t matter in elementary school either. It matters in college. College is just your opinion. Just you raising your hand and being like, ‘I think Emily Dickinson is a lesbian.’ And they’re like, ‘Partial credit.’ And that’s a whole thing.”

#7. “Just ’cause you’re accurate does not mean you’re interesting.”

#8. “I had a producer tell me I couldn’t use the word ‘midget’ because it was ‘worse than the n-word.’ First off — no, it’s not. If you’re comparing the badness of two words, and you won’t even say one of them, that’s the worse word. Also, I don’t want to gloss over the plight of little people, but you can’t compare their struggles with African Americans. That’s outrageous. Midgets were never enslaved — unless you count the Wonka Factory.”

John Mulaney Quotes That Feel Like He Can Read Your Mind

#9. “All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it.”

#10. “You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don’t know what they’re talking about.”

#11. “My vibe is like, hey, you could probably pour soup in my lap, and I’ll apologize to you.”

#12. “You remember being 12 when you’re like, ‘No one look at me, or I’ll kill myself.’”

#13. “It’s been very funny to try to act like an adult. Even getting dressed. Every day, I’m like, ‘Should I wear a blazer and walk around with an umbrella? Do I carry a briefcase?’ Because I’m trying to be some image of the adults I saw on TV growing up.”

#14. “I don’t look older; I just look worse.”

#15. “Anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents needs to die; I can’t have them roaming around.”

#16. “I’ll keep all my emotions right here. And then, one day, I’ll die.”

#17. “I can’t listen to any new songs. Because every new song is about how tonight’s the night, and we only have tonight. That is such 19-year-old horseshit. I want to write songs for people in their 30s called ‘Tonight’s No Good. How About Wednesday? Oh, you’re in Dallas Wednesday? Let’s Not See Each Other for Eight Months, and It Doesn’t Matter at All.’”

John Mulaney Quotes That Throw Shade on Anything From Politics to the Entertainment Industry

#18. “I think for many of us — speaking for just a pocket of the country — we trusted Obama. So when you leave your baby with your mom to watch, you don’t run home and check the nanny cam. But now, we’ve left the baby with Gary Busey, so we’re going to be a lot more on it.”

#19. “I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. I don’t wanna name an actual airline, so let’s make one up, let’s just call it like Delta Airlines.”

#20. “I went to the Delta help desk, which is an oxymoron.”

#21. “It’s really fun to be writing and producing your own sketches. You almost have more control.”

#22. “You have the moral backbone of a chocolate éclair.”

#23. “Donal Trump’s not good at running for president. He’s just good at Family Feud. And the other candidates are terrible at Family Feud. So when the Steve Harvey of this election is like, ‘Name something that is bothering Americans!’ And Ted Cruz is like, ‘Benghazi!’ — WRONG! Then Trump is like, ‘All the problems.’ And that’s the number-one answer on the board.”

#24. “Understudies don’t normally get invited to openings.”

#25. “I remember writing stand-up jokes without having done sets. But as soon as I did my first set, it didn’t matter. Everything I thought would work didn’t work. And everything I was iffy on was funny.”

John Mulaney Quotes That Reveal the Person Behind the Comedian

#26. “I quit drinking because I used to drink too much, then I would black out, and I would ruin parties.”

#27. “I kind of thought, wouldn’t it be funny to take a swing at being on the weird side of mainstream?”

#28. “I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.”

#29. “I’m a very straightforward person. But that’s fine for a comedian. Because a lot of times, you’re talking about everyone else.”

#30. “I never turn on the crowd. Sometimes, you think it’s a terrible show, and then afterward, sometimes people say they really liked it. So turning on the crowd is only going to alienate the few people who might like it.”

Final Thoughts

I hope you enjoyed reading my top John Mulaney quotes. If you are familiar with his work, you must have had a blast reading some of his best punchlines. In case you are still in the dark about who this genius guy is, I encourage you to watch some of his sketches on YouTube and then revisit this page to get to the core of his intelligent humor!

Image Source: DoD News photo by EJ Hersom – Under Creative Commons License

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Naomi Kizhner

Naomi Kizhner

On NaomiKizhner.com, I want to share tips, tricks, and quotes that will hopefully inspire someone who might be struggling. Also, I wish to help others find their true passion in life and cut out any negativity.
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